Sweet Jokes

Sweet Jokes

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

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A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.

She jumped up and slapped him.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

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A visitor was standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when he notices a blind man and his guide dog. The dog leads the man into the street, where he is brushed by an oncoming car. The man is knocked down, and he rather gingerly gets back up. He calls the guide dog over, reaches into his pocket, pulls out a canine treat, and gives it to the dog.

The visitor, upon seeing all this, walks over to the blind man and says, "That's amazing! Your guide dog led you into a busy street where you were nearly run over by a car, and yet you're giving the dog a treat. You must really love that dog."

The blind man turned to me and said, "No, I'm going to thoroughly kick that dog's butt. I'm just using the dog biscuit to determine which end is which."

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Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob."

Bob was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back! Please!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"

"Not bad," replied Bob the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"

"Never," said Bob.

"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."

Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yelling "BOB, wake up, goddammit. You just shit the bed!"

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Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.

He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another one!"

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Granddaughter is sitting on Grandpa's lap as he reads the paper not paying any attention to her. So she starts studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve and rubs her fingers over the wrinkles and then over her own face and looks more puzzled.

She finally asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

'He sure did honey, a long long time ago", he replied.

"Well, did God make me?` she asked.

"Yes He did, and that wasn't too long ago," he answered.

She thought for a minute and then said, "Wow! He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"

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A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus.

He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..."

He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.

He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..."

He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.

He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door.

He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."

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Kathryn's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words.

From the back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what does FGRPL spell?"

"Nothing," Kathryn said.

Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does DOEB spell?"

"Nothing," Kathryn answered.

This went on for several weeks.

Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom, what does LMDZ spell?"

Kathryn smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart."

The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!"

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Side effects of alcohol.... and remedies!!!

1. Symptom: Cold and humid feet.

Cause- Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the Drink on your feet).

Cure: Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward...

2. Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.

Cause : You're lying on the floor.

Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.

3. Symptom- The floor looks blurry.

Cause : You're looking through an empty glass.

Cure: Quickly refill your glass!

4. Symptom: The floor is moving.

Cause : You're being dragged away.

Cure: At least ask where they're taking you!

5. Symptom-You hear echoes every time someone speaks.

Cause : You have your glass on your ear and trying to drink from it.

Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself!

6. Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking funny.

Cause : You're in the wrong house.

Cure -Ask if they can point you to your house.

7. Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.

Cause : You're in an ambulance.

Cure- Don't move. Let the professionals do their job!!!!

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Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well... ?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, SLIM, TALL, 38D BREASTS, 24"WAIST and, 36"HIPS. When she walks into a room, people say, "Jesus Christ !"