Best Jokes

Best  Jokes

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A lot of ladies used to sit together every evening in a park and talk non stop.

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One day they were sitting very very quietly.

A gentleman who would walk past the noisy group every day was surprised to see them all so quiet.

He inquired about this to which they replied, "You see, today we are ALL present, so we don't know who to gossip about."

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A hooded robber burst into a Bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The Robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence, in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak.

Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a good look at you."

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After a family meal one night, three generations of the family are sitting around chatting. Jenny, a four year old, is sitting on her grandfather's knee.

Jenny: "Grandpa, can you make a noise like a frog?"

Grandfather: "What?"

Jenny: "Can you make a noise like a frog?"

Grandfather: "Why do you want me to make a noise like a frog?"

Jenny: "Well, last night Daddy said that when you croak we can all go to Disneyland."

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One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old son and beeped his car horn by mistake.

He turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident".

He replied, "I know that, daddy".

He replied, "How'd you know?"

The boy said, "Because you didn't say ASSHOLE afterwards"!

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4 men were stranded in a desert. Suddenly, 1 of them died.

The other 3 decided that the only way to survive was to eat the dead body.

The 1st man said, "I support Liverpool, so I'll eat his liver".

The 2nd man said, "I support Manchester United, so I'll eat his chest".

The 3rd man said, "I support Arsenal... but I'm not very hungry"!

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A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the the operating table. she had a near-death experience.

Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live".

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and complete make-up.

Since she had so much time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God again, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years. Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied, "Sorry about that, I just didn't recognise you"!

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A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift when he saw a poor man with a beautiful white horse. He told the man that he would give him $500 for the horse.

The poor man replied, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good", and walked away.

The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man $1000 for the horse.

The poor man said, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good".

On the third day the rich man offered the poor man $2000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take 'no' for an answer.

The poor man agreed, and the rich man took the horse home.

The rich man's daughter loved her present She climbed onto the horse, then galloped right into a tree.

The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's house, demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness.

The poor man replied, "I told you it don't look so good!

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Bubba goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over.

Bubba gets in line and when it's his turn the preacher says, "Bubba, what you want me to pray about? "

Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays a while.

After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, "Bubba, how's your hearing now?"

Bubba says, "I don't know preacher, it's not until next Wednesday."

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In an airport boarding area they announced that the flight was overbooked.

The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later.

About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer.

About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter announced:

"If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward."

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At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.

"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."