Colourful Jokes
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart, its Eric. I am on the train."
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart".
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly. When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
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A pub's closing and a totally plastered customer struggles to get to the door, then to walk home, despite only living a few hundred yards from there.
He literally crawls on the pavement all the way back home, drags himself up the stairs and eventually reaches his bed after two hours.
He wakes up the next morning, and his wife tells him, "You were really drunk last night weren't you?"
"Yeah, why? How do you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the pub."
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What is the opposite of 'Dominos' ?
Think...
Tired?
"Domi doesn't know"
One more!
What is the opposite of 'Pizza Hut' ?
Tired again?
Pizza hatna mat"
Ok, another one!
What is the opposite of 'Gopalakrishnan' ?
Keep thinking...
It's 'Come-Palakrishnan'
Stop banging your head! Last one...
What is the opposite of "Subramanium Sawmi" ?
Gave up?
Subramanium didn't see me!
Ok, ok, last one promise...
What is the opposite of Jogeshwari ?
Jogesh don't worry.
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Seven complicated facts about Women:
1. They believe in saving.
2. Still they go out & buy expensive clothes.
3. Always buy expensive clothes but never have anything to wear.
4. Never hav anything 2 wear, but always dress beautifully.
5. Always dress beautifully, but never satisfied.
6. Never satisfied, but still expect men to compliment them.
7. Expect men to compliment, but don't believe them if complemented.
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Banta came to meet Santa at his house.
He knocked at the door; and was surprised to see Santa dripping with water open the door while being stark naked.
"Come on Santa, aren't you ashamed? Why don't you wear something?", said Banta.
Santa sheepishly ran into the bathroom and came back wearing his slippers.
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One day, the phone rang, and Little Johnny answered.
The Caller: May I speak to your parents?
Little Johnny: They're busy.
The Caller: Oh. Is anybody else there?
Little Johnny: The police.
The Caller: Can I speak to them?
Little Johnny: They're busy.
The Caller: Oh. Is anybody else there?
Little Johnny: The firemen.
The Caller: Can I speak to them?
Little Johnny: They're busy.
The Caller: So let me get this straight -- your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they're all busy? What are they doing?
Little Johnny: Looking for me."
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A retired man, who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals, went to one local hospital in Hopwell and took his portable keyboard along.
He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.
When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."
One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."
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Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.
"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
"You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check.
He handed it to Leon, "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."
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When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.
One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.
"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"
"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."
"Were you a pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.
"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."
Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stormed off to find St. Peter.
Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows Vista operating system! Why does he deserve better?!"
"True," Peter replied, "But the Titanic only crashed once."
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When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."
"Your mother's side or your father's?" the doctor asked.
"Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family."
"Oh, come now," the doctor said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"
He sighed, "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"
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